


Carpe DMs

by classicallymar, ConsiderableColors



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Multi, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23551363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classicallymar/pseuds/classicallymar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: The modern Dead Poets Society + Chris and Ginny + cell phones = a lot of chaotic energy.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Steven Meeks/Knox Overstreet, Ginny Danbury/Chris Noel, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 12
Kudos: 65





	1. The Heist

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Heather Cubed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6556411) by [sakurakyouko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakurakyouko/pseuds/sakurakyouko). 



> This fic is marked as inspired by Heather Cubed for a reason! A lot of the formatting came from their fic, and it really is great. I highly recommend it if you like Heathers!

**gay poets society**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 3:30 p.m._ **

_neil.perry has created the group_

_neil.perry has changed their name to perry the platypus_

_perry the platypus has added charlie.dalton, todd.anderson, knox.overstreet, gerard.pitts, stephen.meeks, chris.noel, and ginny.danbury to the group_

_charlie.dalton has changed their name to nuwanduh_

_knox.overstreet has changed their name to overstrYEET_

_ginny.danbury has changed their name to gin &tonic _

_todd.anderson has changed their name to toad_

_stephen.meeks has changed their name to stephen galaxy_

**perry the platypus:** hello fellow gay poets 

**chris.noel:** definitely gay, not a poet

**gin &tonic: **^

**overstrYEET:** ONE OF US

**nuwanduh:** ONE OF US

**stephen galaxy** : ONE OF US

**overstrYEET:** i love my boyfriends 

**nuwanduh:** rt

**stephen galaxy:** rt

**perry the platypus:** ha ha that's gay

**nuwanduh:** youre gay were bi

**perry the platypus:** u don’t know me

**toad:** neil we’ve been dating for two moths

**nuwanduh** : lol moths 

**toad** : stfu

**perry the platypus:** stop bullying my boyfriend, nuwanda

**nuwanduh:** would you rather i bully you for texting with punctuation

**perry the platypus:** meet me on the front lawn. how dare you insult the honor of punctuation. you won't be laughing when you forget an oxford comma and i d e s t r o y you. 

**gin &tonic: **neil we don't have time for duels my parents are picking you and todd up at 4 

**perry the platypus:** heIST TIME

**chris.noel:** neil when have you ever, in your entire life, been excited to have dinner with your family. 

**overstrYEET:** why are the danburys picking up neil and todd 

**gin &tonic: **we're all having dinner at neil's house tonight. todd and chris are our +2 and neil wants to pull a heist 

**perry the platypus:** i want to hang out with my boyfriend so i feel less of the crushing weight of being alive but the heist is the only way i get to do that. and you get to hang out with chris this way. 

_chris.noel has changed their name to merrychrisis_

**gin &tonic: **excellent timing babe

**bradpittsiful:** girls and gays, stop being emo. Ur ruining my vibes

**stephen galaxy:** hold on. Is no one going to ask what the hell u guys mean by “heist”

**perry the platypus:** do you really wanna know? 

**stephen galaxy:** why… would i ask… otherwise…

**nuwanduh:** why… would you use… so many ellipsis….

**stephen galaxy:** why… are you… BULLYING ME

**stephen galaxy:** AND distracting me

  
  


**Damage Control**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 3:46 p.m._**

_gin &tonic has created the group _

_gin &tonic has added stephen galaxy, merrychrisis, and richard.cameron to the group _

**gin &tonic: **okay. so. 

**gin &tonic: **since i have determined that y'all are most likely to not get involved when neil is On His Bullshit, i have created a secret society of lesbians and bis (and aro/aces! hi cameron!) to run damage control when neil is On His Bullshit. your missions, should you choose to accept them

**gin &tonic: **chris, you have a key role in the heist. it is up to us to keep stephen and richard updated. 

**gin &tonic: **stephen, for now, you're on standbi. we may need your help if we need to stage an escape attempt from the perry household. 

**richard.cameron:** I'm sorry, but… what the HELL is going on? 

**gin &tonic: **wait aren't you in the other chat???? 

**richard.cameron:** There's another chat? 

**gin &tonic: **neil i am going to Kill You 

**gin &tonic: **give me a second i'll add you 

  
  


**gay poets society**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 3:55 p.m_**. 

**stephen galaxy:** neil. heist. answers please.

**perry the platypus:** ;)

**stephen galaxy:** neil. neil please. for the love of all things holy.

**perry the platypus:** ;) ;) ;)

**gin &tonic: **neil, stop being an asshole. stephen, let it go for two seconds. 

**gin &tonic: **also mr. platypus - you forgot to add cameron

_gin &tonic has added richard.cameron to the group _

**perry the platypus:** i’m SO SORRY cameron i made a fucky wucky

**toad:** neil if you ever say fucky wucky again i will break up with you so fast.

**nuwanduh:** and ill break your legs 

_richard.cameron has changed his username to Richard Cameron_

**nuwanduh:** cameron what the Fuck

**Richard Cameron:** It's my name? What else would I use?

**nuwanduh:** do me a favor and read the other chat names

**Richard Cameron:** Okay, who the hell are all of you people?

**nuwanduh:** well obviously i’m your mother, petunia amelia cameron the ninth

**Richard Cameron:** I know "nuwanduh" is my dumbass roommate.

**gin &tonic: **i’m ginny

**gin &tonic: **also u should change ur name to green eggs and cam

**overstrYEET:** :o cameron change your name to ricky!

**Nuwanduh:** make it little dick

**merrychrisis:** i'm chris. we've met but i was probably busy thinking about ginny at the time 

**Richard Cameron:** Thank you for 1, introducing yourself, and 2, not bullying me. Much appreciated.

**Nuwanduh:** stop texting like ur emailing a teacher bro

**overstrYEET:** charlie, when have you ever, in your ENTIRE LIFE, used proper grammar when you email a teacher. 

**overstrYEET:** i know for a FACT that you sent keating at least 16 surrealist memes last week alone. 

**Nuwanduh:** he hadn’t heard of a dat boi! Lit rally the most basic meme. I am a gift for teaching him. A blessing. A hero.

**perry the platypus:** charlie u know we love you but please shut up. and be nice to cameron pls

**merrychrisis** : they bully each other to show their love. you get used to it. 

**merrychrisis** : anyway, cam, overstrYEET is knox, perry the platypus is neil, toad is todd, and stephen galaxy is stephen meeks! oh and bradpittsiful is gerard! 

**Nuwanduh:** and i’m george gershwin, father of the broadway musical

**perry the platypus:** what did i JUST say

**Richard Cameron:** thank you, Chris.

_perry the platypus has changed the group name to Petition for Cameron to change his username_

**Richard Cameron:** NOW who's bullying me? :(

**bradpittsiful:** u guys made cameron “:(“ ! for shame! jail for 30 years!

  
  


**Damage Control**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 4:02 p.m._ **

**gin &tonic: **richard, i never gave you a mission, but your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be the voice of reason when the rest of us are simply being too gay to function. 

**gin &tonic: **do you accept your missions? 

**stephen galaxy:** if i accept my mission will you tell me what the heist is about? 

**gin &tonic: **yeah sure 

**stephen galaxy:** okay whatever I accept my mission

**merrychrisis:** anything for you, babe <3 

**gin &tonic: **aw babe <3 

**Richard Cameron** : Yes, I accept my mission and I feel the need to inform Ginny and Chris that they are in fact being "too gay to function." 

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday, 11.22.2019, 4:09 p.m_ **

_perry the platypus has created the group_

_perry the platypus has added merrychrisis, toad, and gin &tonic to the group _

**gin &tonic: **hey neil let's do themed usernames for this heist! 

**perry the platypus:** but the usernames show up everywhere

**gin &tonic: **so? we know a grand total of nine people who use this app, including the four of us. 

**merrychrisis:** my girlfriend makes a compelling point

**toad:** there is no way you're this consistently gay all the time, chris 

**gin &tonic: **oh she is, which means this is even more of a heist than we first thought. 

**perry the platypus:** ANYWAY - ginny, what did you have in mind for the names? 

**gin &tonic: **shakespeare! 

**toad** : of course. 

**perry the platypus** : come on, todd, you love shakespeare!

**toad** : i really only like the sonnets

**toad** : and watching you perform. 

**merrychrisis** : who's being gay now?

**gin &tonic: **all of us! hence the heist. now focus! 

**gin &tonic: **neil, todd, my mom is going to be about 20 minutes late (ignore the fact that she's already late as I type this). Chris and I will be with her. 

**gin &tonic: **also i was thinking for the code names: hamlet for neil

**perry the platypus:** oh we're doing a tragedy? :( so accurate to my life.

**gin &tonic: **shut up neil. anyway. for chris, I'm thinking ophelia, since you and neil are "together" for tonight. 

**gin &tonic**: and todd, horatio, because of the "everything about you" 

**merrychrisis** : i can't say no to you. 

_merrychrisis has changed their name to ophelia_

_gin &tonic has changed their name to hermia _

**perry the platypus** : wait!!!! ginny!!!!! did you get the part in midsummer?????????

**hermia** : i did!!!!!!!!

_perry the platypus has changed their name to hamlet_

**hamlet:** congrats gin!!!! 

**ophelia:** congratulations, babe!!! 

**hermia:** ty both! 

**hermia** : todd, come on, it'll be fun!!

**hamlet** : babe, please, think of the poetic cinema. 

**toad** : fine. 

**toad** : also congrats ginny! 

_toad has changed their name to horatio_

**hamlet:** it fits! after all, ur an antique roman...tic

**horatio:** I-

**horatio** : damn you, neil, i'm blushing

**hamlet:** <3

**Damage Control**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 4:19 p.m._ **

**hermia:** Richard - just to avoid confusion, this is ginny, i changed my username for the heist

**Richard Cameron:** I don't understand, but thanks for the update. 

**hermia:** no problem 

**stephen galaxy:** 1\. I have still not been told what the heist is. 2. Neil told me you were auditioning for hermia in midsummer, did you get the part?

**hermia:** yeah! and i promise i'll explain in a moment we just had to get the operatives in position before my mom got to welton. 

**Richard Cameron:** Congratulations!

**stephen galaxy:** ^

**hermia:** anyway, the heist™ (respect neil's intellectual property please and thank you) is operation: perry family dinner

**hermia:** neil's family invited my family (minus chet, i think he has football practice or some shit? who knows) to have dinner at their house tonight, and since neither neil nor i is up for this, especially right before break (god please save us) we have convinced them to allow chris and todd to accompany us 

**hermia:** thing is, todd wants to spend the night at neil's and chris wants to spend the night at mine and neil and i have no interest in coming out to our parents through this whole event 

**hermia:** and neil thought this would be funny

**hermia:** so we're going to say that chris and neil are dating, and also that I'm dating todd (feel free to laugh at us, we know these claims are ridiculous to anyone who knows us) 

**stephen galaxy:** i thought you said you and chris were less likely to get involved when neil is On His Bullshit, as you so succinctly put it. 

**hermia:** yeah but I'm also On My Bullshit right now and chris loves me so 

**ophelia:** (this is my codename for the heist) it's true, i do. 

**hermia:** anyway stephen, the backup plan of escape is in case neil's gay ass blows our cover because we're good friends and we're not going to leave him alone with his parents all week if that happens. i'm less worried about me since I have a car and chris and i still have school on monday and tuesday

**hermia:** anyway that's as far as we've gotten with planning the heist. we're going to use our actual relationship timelines (mine and neil's) to help avoid confusion

**Richard Cameron:** How did I end up friends with such reckless people?

**stephen galaxy:** honestly, rt. 

**Richard Cameron:** Stephen, you have three boyfriends in our friend group. And one of them is Charlie. 

**stephen galaxy:** touché

**untitled group**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 4:32 p.m._ **

_Richard Cameron has created the group_

_Richard Cameron has added ophelia, hermia, stephen galaxy, bradpittsiful, and overstrYEET to the group_

**Richard Cameron:** I can't find Todd in my contacts, what's his username? 

**hermia:** oh oops sorry cam, todd changed his name to horatio and neil changed his to hamlet for the heist!

**Richard Cameron:** I appreciate the information. Next time if I could have it before I make a new chat? 

_Richard Cameron has added horatio to the group_

**hermia:** i'll do my best. maybe we should just announce it whenever we change our usernames in the main chat. 

**overstrYEET:** what's this chat for, cam?

**Richard Cameron:** Are any of you texting Neil right now? 

**overstrYEET:** nope

**ophelia:** no

**hermia** : nah

**stephen galaxy** : no, and neither is gerard

**horatio** : no 

**Richard Cameron** : And is anyone texting Charlie right now?

**stephen galaxy** : me and knox are in our group chat with him. 

**stephen galaxy** : you gonna tell us what this is about or what?

**bradpittsiful** : cam can I explain it 

**Richard Cameron** : Go for it. 

**bradpittsiful** : welcome, girls and gays, to the beginning of the "Neil and Charlie are plotting something" chat. 

**bradpittsiful** : me and cameron came up with it. it's here for 1) figuring out if neil and charlie are texting each other and therefore 2) figuring out if we need to be prepared to cover for them, generally put out fires, literally put out fires, etc. 

_bradpittsiful has renamed the group_ **_damage control_ **

_hermia has renamed the group_ **_putting out fires_ **

**hermia:** a bunch of us are already in a chat called damage control, don't want things to get confusing 

**ophelia:** wait, if charlie is texting his boyfriends (which: ha. gay) who's neil texting?

**hermia:** oh shit 

**stephen galaxy:** what

**hermia:** todd, report: who is neil texting?

**horatio** : uhhhh i'm pretty sure he's texting his dad. 

**overstrYEET** : pray for neil everyone mr. perry is a piece of work

**ophelia:** all of us have met mr. perry, knox, this isn't new information. 

**overstrYEET:** ginny your girlfriend is bullying me!

**hermia:** tear him apart, love 

**overstrYEET** : rUde 

**ophelia:** /love/????? wtf that's so cute never call me anything else ever again 

**hermia:** okay, love! 

**Richard Cameron:** Insert a “too gay to function" alerting sound here.

**stephen galaxy:** what would be an appropriate sound for that? 

**overstrYEET:** i have no idea what's happening at any given moment.

**horatio** : :( i want someone to call me love

**bradpittsiful** : go be sad and gay somewhere else, your boyfriend isn't here because that's kind of the Point of this Whole Chat 

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 4:45 p.m._ **

**hamlet:** sweetheart are you okay you look upset 

**horatio:** oh yeah i'm fine i just… really hate your dad sometimes 

**hamlet:** join the club

**hermia:** at least we all get to deal with this dumpster fire together. 

**hamlet:** @horatio @ophelia ty for your bravery during this trying time 

**hermia:** yes thank you love 

**ophelia:** like i would leave the light of my life to deal with the perrys and danburys alone (neil and said light of my life excluded, of course)

**hamlet:** for once in my life i'm happy to be excluded from something 

**hamlet:** ugh we're almost here, ginny tell your mom the turn is the next right 

**hermia:** tell her yourself, we're all in the same car 

**ophelia:** are your parents going to expect us to put our phones away at dinner 

**hermia:** mine definitely will, even though chet has never, EVER listened to them, i figure we should at least try to stay on their good side tonight

**hamlet:** my parents are oblivious about everything except ways to make me suffer so they'll definitely notice if we're on our phones 

**horatio:** sorry love 

**hamlet:** 1) it's fine 2) it's not your fault 3) love!?!?!?! 

**hermia:** todd was getting emo in another chat when i called chris "love" 

**horatio:** yeah but then i realized i could call you love and i actually really like being called sweetheart so :')

**ophelia:** neil, isn't it wonderful to be "love" according to your signif 

**hamlet:** i'm ascending 


	2. Is Anyone Here Functional?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everyone is somehow even gayer

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 4:52 p.m._ **

**hermia:** neil do you know what time your parents are actually having us sit down for dinner?

**hamlet:** bold of you to assume my dad is helping with shit

**hamlet:** but i think my mom is planning to have things ready by 7? she won't be mad if we ask her though

**ophelia:** could we offer to help her instead of making small talk in hell? 

**hamlet:** you and ginny could but todd and i won't get out of talking to my dad that easily 

**ophelia:** is your dad one of those husbands

**hamlet:** i don't even need to ask what you mean by that. yes he is. 

**hermia:** see this is why men don't deserve to have wives

**ophelia:** rt 

**horatio:** not that i ever wanted a wife but rt

**hamlet:** RT

**hamlet:** anyway everyone come to the living room for small talk hell 

**neil perry protection squad**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:00 p.m._ **

_ ophelia has created the group _

_ ophelia has added hermia, horatio, nuwanduh, overstrYEET, Richard Cameron, steven galaxy, and bradpittsiful to the group _

**ophelia:** hello and welcome to the neil perry protection squad.

**ophelia:** first order of business: why did no one tell me that mr. perry is /literally/ the devil himself?

**nuwanduh:** i thought that was common knowledge 

**ophelia:** yeah but like,,, y'all didn't tell me that everyone at this dinner would be Highkey entrenched in the rich people bullshit that ginny has to deal with on a regular basis 

**overstrYEET:** you thought a man who's willing to pay welton's tuition Wouldn't be Like That 

**ophelia:** /anyway/ second order of business: why did y'all assume i know how to make this kind of small talk? 

**hermia:** chris how are you typing so much when there are 2 sets of parents watching like hawks for cell phones 

**ophelia:** i can type without looking and i read really fast

**hermia:** when mrs perry goes to check on dinner i'll volunteer us to go help 

**ophelia:** love of my life coming to the rescue 

**ophelia** : wait

**hermia:** i-

**hermia:** i'll be back 

**Theatre Gays™**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:08 p.m._ **

_ hermia has created the group  _

_ hermia has added hamlet to the group _

**hermia:** NEIL 

**hamlet:** what????

**hermia:** CHRIS CALLED ME THE LOVE OF HER LIFE HELP 

**hamlet:** you called her love; that kind of seems like a logical progression to me 

**hermia:** i need your help and you offER ME A SEMICOLON 

**hamlet:** didn't you also call her the light of your life? 

**hermia:** yes but that's Not The Point 

**hermia:** what do i Do

**hamlet:** enjoy it? idk what you want me to say. i'm still on another plane of existence from when todd called me love 

**Signifs of Theatre Gays**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:11 p.m._ **

_ ophelia has created the group  _

_ ophelia has added horatio to the group  _

**ophelia:** todd help 

**horatio:** what? 

**ophelia:** i feel like i fucked up calling ginny the love of my life 

**ophelia:** she said she'd be back but she looks really spooked what did i do wrong 

**horatio:** do you see neil trying not to laugh over there? 

**ophelia:** yes but what does that have to do with my fucking up 

**horatio:** pretty sure your girlfriend is having a gay panic. don't worry it'll pass. 

**ophelia:** but 

**horatio:** you know, it's kind of a straight person thing to do to freak out about expressing love towards your significant other

**ophelia:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW 

**horatio:** it's true! you're worse than me rn, and that's a high bar 

**horatio:** also, it's been three minutes how do you know something is wrong 

**ophelia:** being the voice of reason doesn't look good on you 

**horatio:** then why did ginny make me horatio? 

**ophelia:** idk but there's a reason she didn't make you benvolio

**horatio:** yeah because neil isn't mercutio 

**ophelia:** how did we become shakespeare stans all of a sudden?

**horatio:** osmosis 

**ophelia:** yeah probably 

**horatio:** before you and ginny escape to the kitchen, why do you call s.o.'s signifs?

**ophelia:** tell me signif isn't the cutest term you've ever heard in your life 

**horatio:** signif is not the cutest term i've ever heard in my life because neil didn't say it 

**ophelia:** how do your parents still think you're straight 

**horatio:** bold of you to assume my parents pay attention to me 

**ophelia:** relatable parental angst aside, i also say signifs because SOs is a pain in the ass to type in a way that doesn't look like SOS 

**ophelia:** although both are currently a mood 

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:17 p.m._ **

**ophelia:** we're /free/

**hamlet:** speak for yourself and also please kill me 

**horatio:** rt they're asking about you two 

**ophelia:** mrs. perry is asking me about neil but she just seems politely curious? why is your mom married to such an asshole, neil? she seems like she's actually kinda nice 

**hamlet:** she is, when my dad isn't around. honestly, i don't know why they're still married

**hamlet:** i guess for the same reason i haven't run away or anything 

**hamlet:** like it sucks at home most of the time but they pay for me to go to Welton and it could be a lot worse 

**hermia:** neil let me adopt you and the perrys can have chet 

**horatio:** can i come too?

**hermia:** sure? 

**ophelia:** how about all of you come live with me? i don't care if i have to harbor runaways

**Damage Control**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:20 p.m._ **

**hermia:** chris and i are in the kitchen w/ mrs. perry, neil and todd are stuck with the danburys and mr. perry 

**ophelia:** i wish neil and todd could have come helped with us :( this is actually kinda fun 

**ophelia:** gross marriage dynamics that got us here notwithstanding 

**Richard Cameron:** How's Neil doing? 

**ophelia:** as far as we know, everyone's fine. i'm sure things are tense, but that's to be expected, unfortunately 

**hermia:** i don't hear yelling or anything but that doesn't mean things don't suck. my family doesn't yell, like ever, and i doubt mr. perry would scold neil in public 

**steven galaxy:** definitely not. none of you were there when it happened, but his dad brought him out into the dorm halls to yell at him for "disputing him in public"

**hermia:** i'm sorry What The Fuck 

**steven galaxy:** he seems like he's used to it. do you know if we might be able to get someone to check up on him while we're all home for break? i know charlie lives near here but most of us are pretty far away 

**steven galaxy:** i'm definitely nowhere near close enough for a day trip 

**ophelia:** this is an inquiry for the protection squad tyvm

**neil perry protection squad**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:26 p.m._ **

**ophelia:** hey are any of y'all close enough to check up on neil over break? i don't trust mr. perry, he's shady as hell 

**overstrYEET:** again, common knowledge

**overstrYEET:** and no, my family is visiting my aunt in colorado so i can't 

**bradpittsiful:** is there a reason we can't just check on him over text? 

**ophelia:** honestly? i don't want evidence of this Surveillance because again, I don't trust mr. perry /at all/ 

**ophelia:** also there's no way neil would actually tell us anything when we're too far away to help 

**hermia:** love? we both live in town and i have a car 

**hermia:** and the perrys think you and neil are dating. perfect excuse 

**ophelia:** if it were for anyone but neil i would block you for suggesting i continue to feign heterosexuality 

**hermia:** :( 

**ophelia:** ugh dinner is going to be soon i think? mrs perry wasn't expecting help 

**hermia:** there's no way this woman is mortal. she's too chill 

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:29 p.m._ **

**hermia:** how are things in hell?

**hamlet:** hellish. 

**horatio:** neil laughed at me while your dad threatened me 

**hamlet:** i couldn't help it, the idea of you dating ginny is hilarious 

**hamlet:** you're both wonderful and cute people, but you're also both hilariously and completely gay 

**hamlet:** also I'M dating you and i know you'd spontaneously combust before you intentionally hurt someone you care about 

**hermia:** neil, quick question

**hamlet:** yeah?

**hermia:** why didn't we just tell our parents we were dating?

**hamlet:** chris, would you care to explain your reasoning that you so expertly presented to me like two days ago 

**ophelia:** no problem. 

**ophelia:** 1) you and neil dating gives no excuse as to why todd and i would be at dinner 2) you both act in the same productions /all the time/ and i don't think any of us have the ability to keep up with the con long-term and 3) doing it this way lets both of you use your actual relationship timelines without contradicting each other 

**hermia:** wow you really are the love of my life 

**signifs of theatre gays**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:32 p.m._ **

**horatio:** i told you it would be fine 

**ophelia:** i'm going to light myself on fire i'm so in love 

**horatio:** please say that in a chat with neil 

**ophelia:** why

**horatio:** wanna bet five dollars that he'll say, verbatim, "god, me too" 

**ophelia:** how could you /possibly/ know him so well that you're willing to bet on what he'll say v e r b a t i m???

**ophelia:** you know what, you're on 

**Operation: Perry Family Dinner**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:36 p.m._ **

**ophelia:** i'm going to light myself on fire i'm so in love 

**hamlet:** god, me too 

**hermia:** uhhhh no fires please but that's a mood 

**horatio:** i-

**signifs of theatre gays**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:39 p.m._ **

**horatio:** told you 

**ophelia:** ugh fine i'll give you your five dollars once we leave 

**horatio:** :( 

**ophelia:** ?

**horatio:** we have to leave neil here and while i desperately want to escape i Do Not want to leave him here 

**ophelia:** wait aren't you staying here? isn't welton closed for break already? 

**horatio:** my parents are coming to get me after dinner

**ophelia:** which means we need to figure out neil protection logistics before you leave??

**horatio:** i mean, i don't see it mattering other than that no one sees neil in person for like 12 more hours than we otherwise wouldn't have already 

**ophelia:** yeah but i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't trust mr. perry

**ophelia:** tbh i don't really trust neil alone in this house? i'm worried about him

**horatio:** aren't we all? 

**ophelia:** yeah you're both my sons now i don't make the rules 

**horatio:** that makes no sense 

**ophelia:** fine neil is my son, you're my future son in law 

**horatio:** we have been dating for twO MONTHS 

**ophelia:** and you're already engaged, how sweet 

**horatio:** i don't think we're engaged just because you think we'll get married 

**ophelia:** if you don't get married to that boy i want my five dollars back 

**horatio:** i'm not going to bet on the outcome of my relationship???????

**horatio:** and i especially won't bet on me breaking up with neil???????

**ophelia:** you were able to predict his response to that text v e r b a t i m, you've lived with him AND dated him for two months, y'all are whatever the male equivalent of a u-haul lesbian is 

**horatio:** it's not my fault that welton randomly assigned me to a room that happened to also be occupied by my soulmate 

**ophelia:** see, this is the cutest shit i've ever seen, except for everything ginny has ever done 

**horatio:** that's kinda gay 

**ophelia:** only kinda??? you wound me 

**neil perry protection squad**

**_friday 11.22.2019, 5:56 p.m._ **

**ophelia:** the heist gays™ are putting away their phones now as dinner is served. that being said, please continue to brainstorm ways to keep neil away from mr. perry because, as i've said, i don't trust him

**nuwanduh:** no one trusts him because hes not a trustworthy person 

**nuwanduh:** or a remotely good person 

**bradpittsiful:** petition to piss on mr. perry’s grave?

  
  


**steven galaxy:** he's…. not dead?

**nuwanduh:** not yet anyway 

**bradpittsiful:** petition to kill mr. perry, THEN piss on his grave?

**nuwanduh:** signed

**hermia:** can y'all plot your murder in another chat please?

**nuwanduh:** says the girl with a shakespeare username,,,

**hermia:** of the four shakespeare usernames i am the only one that's not from a tragedy 

**hermia:** oooh we should get neil to do it!

**horatio:** um that's an awful idea and you should know that because you gave him the codenAME HAMLET 

**horatio:** did you learn NOTHING ????

**steven galaxy:** guys.. we know how dramatic neil already is.. can we please Not tempt him into murder?? thanks 

**nuwanduh:** todd there's no other option you gotta become lady macbeth 

**horatio:** have you Read macbeth because that doesn't end well for either of them 

**nuwanduh:** such is the life of a tragedy,,,

**horatio:** hey how about we plan to protect my boyfriend instead of trying to tempt him into becoming the tragic hero of a shakespeare play 

**ophelia:** seconded 

**nuwanduh:** what better way to protect him than by stabbing The Asshole Who Must Not Be Named

**ophelia:** literally anything without the potential to end in muder and/or suicide? 

**hermia:** i mean if charlie is volunteering to do the stabbing 

  
  


**steven galaxy:** ginny NO

**nuwanduh:** i definitely AM

**overstrYEET:** charlie he's not worth the jail time 

**overstrYEET:** i think i speak for steven too when i say that we'd like to keep our boyfriend Out Of Prison thanks 

**steven galaxy:** he definitely does, no murders please 

**nuwanduh:** fine. a nice, gentle injury to get him into a comatose state?

**steven:** no crimes please? at least not crimes that can be so easily traced back to us?

**nuwanduh:** you're no fun 

**overstrYEET:** he's your boyfriend? 

**nuwanduh:** and hes sabotaging my murder plot

**nuwanduh:** whats your point?

**horatio:** ok changing the subject from murder and back to neil please?

**nuwanduh:** i thought y'all were eating dinner?

**horatio:** the actual demons present are still chatting in the living room but we have escaped to the dining room because the company there is so much better

**ophelia:** lol thanks 

**horatio:** also we can keep our phones for a few more minutes 

**hermia:** that's fair 

**horatio:** also stop distracting me charlie.

**horatio:** will anyone other than chris and ginny be able to check in on neil this week? it's gotta be in person because all of us know that neil will not say anything over text even if he's really struggling so we have to be able to go to him 

  
  


**steven galaxy:** we know knox and I can't, and I don't think charlie or pitts can either

**bradpittsiful:** we cannot, he's here with me 

**steven galaxy:** ominous but okay 

**Richard Cameron:** I’ll try to, but I can’t promise anything.

**horatio:** if I could, you know I'd be over every day but I can't, my family is visiting jeff and his new f i a n c e e 

**horatio:** so it's just chris and ginny 

**horatio:** okay now we actually have to put our phones away. i'll let you know when we leave i guess 

**nuwanduh:** good luck @ all of you 

  
**bradpittsiful:** godspeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i... we wrote this MONTHS ago and forgot to post it. so on that note, enjoy. also, this is set in late 2019 and I haven't decided whether or not to include the absolute chaos of last year in any capacity. I'll tag for it if I do.


End file.
